


Team Science:  We know what inappropriate means.

by Paraprosdokia (ChangeableConsistency)



Category: Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: And I need a fire ladder to make it back up to the basement, And now bad l33t/text speak., Crack crack cracky crack I love crack, Dialogue prompts, Fowl language, Gen, I HAVE NO SHAME., Puns are the lowest form of linguistic humor, STARKTACULAR, Still mostly gen, but there is swearing., mini fill, team science, who let them have sugar?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 02:12:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangeableConsistency/pseuds/Paraprosdokia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Darcy have the <i>best</i> ideas. </p>
<p>Can be viewed as poly everyone because Avengers or as gen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Here, we'll show you.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Prompt](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/15861) by Anon. 
  * Inspired by [2nd prompt](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/15863) by Anon. 
  * Inspired by [Prompt 3](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/15894) by Anon. 
  * Inspired by [Brooding](https://archiveofourown.org/works/365525) by [AnonEhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse). 



> TW: Harassment? None meant, as I hope this comes across as mutual flirtation- but figure it's better to warn than not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: You really shouldn't mess with me right now. My bra is filled to the brim with Starburst and they're leaving these little square indents all over my boobs.

 

Tony finishes reloading his marshmallow gun and smiles at Darcy as she comes into the lab. 

"You really shouldn't mess with me right now. My bra is filled to the brim with Starburst and they're leaving these little square indents all over my boobs."

"Darcy. Do we have to go over appropriate workplace conversations?" Pepper had given Jane a hand out and everything. She  _knows_  Darcy's read it. "Again."

"Hey, no argument from me!"

"Tony, you are the last person anyone should listen to when it comes to what's appropriate. Anywhere. Ever."

"Oh, come on Bruce, you can't tell me you don't want to hear all about Darcy's epic boobs."

"They  _are_  epic, aren't they?"

"Don't encourage him," Jane and Bruce say in unison. 

"I'll share mine if you share yours?" Tony asks Darcy, offering her a marshmallow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the poly version Darcy's all, "Sure!" and kisses Bruce and Science Time turns into Sexy Time.


	2. Appropriate Exceptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Science goes to a convention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Well, that went well."
> 
> "You spit Skittles in his face and told him to taste the rainbow."

"Well, that went well."

"You spit Skittles in his face and told him to taste the rainbow."

"He was being a douche."

"It's Hammer. I'm not sure he has any other setting. And I'm not explaining to Jane and Tony why we had to leave."

"Is Fail-Puppy a setting?" Tony asks, coming up behind Darcy and slipping his hand into her front pocket to grab a handful of Skittles, popping a couple in his mouth as he adds, "And it sounds like it was Hammer's fault."

"You haven't even heard what happened!"

"Meh," Tony says, resting his chin on her shoulder, "Hammer happened. That's good enough for me."

Darcy sticks a rainbow colored tongue out at Bruce. Tony joins her.

"Why did I just get escorted out by security?!"

All three look down at the floor at Jane's tone; though both Tony and Darcy are smiling. That can't be good.

"Bruce?" He's the least likely to have caused trouble, or rather, had he been the source of any trouble it would have been obvious for a couple miles. He's also the most likely to be honest. 

Although Darcy may have been telling the truth about the fairies last time. 

She clears her throat and taps her foot. It isn't as ominous as when Pepper does it, but they're working on it during their ever more frequent (and necessary) 'Escape the Madness' spa days, "I'm waiting."

"Well, actually it started with Justin Hammer-"

"That douche? Did one of you slap him when I wasn't there to see it?"

"Actually," Darcy laughs, "I-"

"Oh God, don't tell me you tazed him."

"She spit Skittles in his face and told him to taste the rainbow."

"Seriously?" Tony grins, "Science Five!"

Tony and Darcy slap palms and then fist bump into an explosion.

Jane sighs before shrugging and dipping her hand into Darcy's pocket for some consolation candy. "For future reference, spitting on someone-"

"But Hammer-" Jane cuts off Tony and Darcy mid-whine.

"-Even Justin Hammer, is not appropriate convention behavior."

"I respectfully disagree. Every rule has a Hammer exception."

Jane rolls her eyes at Tony and changes the subject, checking her watch, "Reed and Susan are meeting us for dinner before the next panel. How delusional is it to assume I can leave you to your own devices?"

"On a scale of one to bring bail?" Darcy asks.

\---

"Pepper. Pepper. Seriously, Pepper, quit laughing."

"Oh come on, Jane. You know you just wish you could have seen him get a face full of rainbow."

Jane smiles. Pepper always sees right through her, "Oh, fine. Maybe-" call waiting flashes in the corner of the screen, "Hey, that's Darcy. I'll call you back?"

Pepper smiles, "I look forward to it. Miss you."

"Miss you, too." She switches over to see Darcy, covered in what look like Mardi Gra beads and wearing an over the top powdered wig; a flurry of activity behind her, "What-"

"Bail. The answer is lots and lots of bail."

"What ha-"

"And no matter what they say the elephant was totally their idea- Wait! No! I get a phone ca-"

Jane smiles as she steps outside and looks up, "Heimdall? Let him know he's missing all the fun. And he better get home soon."


	3. Interns and minions are not the same.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 
> 
> Shield was always worried, that Tony tried to take over the World with his Genius, right? Well, at least in some Fics *grins*  
> So, some Avenger/or whoever you want actually takes that and runs with it and prompts Tony, who just looks at him and when grins.
> 
> "Me, taking over the World? I admit I could probably do that and it would be a fun challenge. But what happens once that is done? Responsibility, taking care of everything, bla bla. Boring. I have enough of that already with Stark Industries. When I would have to dump it all on Pepper and she has already forbidden me from doing that, so yeah, no. Sorry?"
> 
> "So you are not taking over the World because 'Pepper' has forbidden it?!?"
> 
> "Yeah, kinda?"
> 
>  
> 
> \- Dialog doesn't have to be 100% what I've written down, but it must have the gist of it ^.~

"So you are not taking over the world because  _Pepper_  has forbidden it?!?"

"Yeah, kinda?"

Darcy loads the catapult and steps back as Tony presses a few buttons. It clanks ominously and then sags.

"I mean, sure it would be fun and all; but then what?" Tony pulls open the side plate and starts soldering, "I hate board meetings; can you imagine how much worse Benevolent Overlord meetings would be? And I would probably have to deal with a ton more minions-"

"How many times do I have to remind you: I'm Jane's intern, not your minion!"

"Interns and minions aren't the same thing?"

"And isn't Pepper, like, your minion or whatever?"

They're interrupted by the sound of Pepper's heels clacking across the concrete floor, "Actually, he's mine."

Tony pushes his goggles up on his forehead, eyes lighting up at the sight of Pepper, "Hello, Gorgeous!"

The tips of Pepper's ears turn pink and then she frowns as he takes the TK5 prototype out of her hand, ignoring her completely, "R&D wants you to take a look at- TONY!" She shouts as he bangs the device against a counter, cracking the case and striping out something smaller than one of her French tips.

"Thanks, Pep!"

Pepper sighs. "I'll let them know it took you less than a second to destroy it."

Tony 'hmmm's at her, returning to the catapult with his prize. 

"How come Tony's not allowed to take over the world?" asks Darcy, swinging her legs from her perch on the crossbeam of the catapult.

"I never said he wasn't allowed to-"

"Did to!"

"No, Tony, I said I wouldn't run it for you. If you take over the world don't come crying to me."

"Same difference."

"It's- we're not having this discussion again. Darcy, I didn't just come down here to watch Tony break his toys. I was wondering if I could borrow you for a couple days?"

"Borrow?"

"Mm-hmm. Jane said it was okay with her if it's okay with you. I have a couple meetings at Capitol Hi-"

"What are we waiting for, let's go!" 

Darcy springs off of the catapult and is halfway to the door before Tony can shout, "You can't steal my minion! The obstacle course is tomorrow!"

Darcy pauses, holding into the door frame as though to keep from running straight to D.C., "Intern! And sorry, Tony; you can give me 'sposions, Pepper can give me Senate Committee meetings."

"Pep-peerrrrr, that's not faaaair! I was borrowing her first!"

"Learn to share, or come with."

Tony pouts, "Bring me back a stupid souvenir."

Darcy comes back in, grabbing Pepper by the hand and tugging her out of the workshop, "See you later, Tony! Send me vid of the course!"

Tony is still grumbling about the ungratefulness of min-terns and how maybe he can talk Agent into ruling the world for him. And then see if he shares it with either of them.


	4. Tony has (some) standards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops! Almost forgot Pepper (model of efficiency that she is) obtained a replacement intern for Tony.

Tony's grousing is interrupted by his shriek when instead of handing DUM-E the soldering iron, a human hand attached to a human (looking) boy takes it from his hand.

"DUM-E! Oh My God! I knew if I wished hard enough you would turn into a real boy!" DUM-E beeps at him from the corner, "Wait, you're not DUM-E! Who are you! How did you get in here!"

"Umm, Ms. Potts I introduced us-"

"No she didn't!"

 "Uh, you were a little distracted?"

The sadly not DUM-E as a real boy blushed as JARVIS chimed in, "Miss Lewis warned you to keep your hands off the jail bait, Sir."

Tony runs an appreciative eye over the teenager, and, sure, he's a flirt but even he has standards (though give the boy a couple years and the topic might be revisited), "Don't worry, kid; your virtue's safe with me."

"Umm, Thanks?"

"What's your name, son? I'm pretty sure Pep will have my hide if I just call you Jail Bait." Yeah, no, it's totally worth Pepper's wrath if he's going to blush like that every time.

"Peter. Peter Parker. I'm your new intern."

"How do you feel about the term minion, Peter?"

Peter shrugs, "Um, fine, I guess?"

 " _Excellent_!" Tony hisses in a surprisingly good Mr. Burns impression (What? He practices it in the mirror. It's not the weirdest thing he does by a long stretch.), "Welcome to Team Science."


	5. FML

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap, Pepper, and Darcy are together in DC. Yay politics! (?)
> 
> Bruce and Jane were going to a conference. At the last minute Thor showed up, so Bruce took Peter instead. (It's one Tony has unequivocally been uninvited to since that incident with the slushy machine in '98 and Bruce didn't want to go alone.)
> 
> Maybe assuming Team Spy would be watching Tony was a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first time trying to post a text messagey thing like this.

(Darcy totally should have gone with Captain Mancrush)

(This should be "gang up" not "hang up".)

 

* * *

 

 Transcript:  
  
                          **MANCRUSH**

                                       Hey, Cap! How's DC?

what did you do?

                                         I resent that!

you misspelled resemble

                                         I'm hurt.

 

                          **SUGAR TITS**

                                         Resemble?

                                         Stop helping.

I'm a helper. It's what I do.

I have to. It's in my nature.

                                          Also, stop reprogramming my contact names.

I'm helping, I'm helping, bizzaro, I'm helping!

 

                          **MANCRUSH**

                                         Hurt and dismayed that you would gang up on me like this.

                                         Also.

                                         How much did you like your apt?

did??

                                         *Do?

                                         How much DO you like your apt. The one in Brooklyn. The Tower is mosly fine.

 

 ಠ_ಠ what did you do?

  

                          **SUGAR TITS**

                                            I know thats u. 

 Don't no wut ur talking abt.

                                            O rly? Greatest Generation came up w 'ಠ_ಠ' all on his own?

 ...yes?

 

                           **MANCRUSH**

                                             OMG! :D Baby's first emoticon! 

                                             Are we doing that now?

                                              \o/

                                             My little Luddite is leaving the nest!

 tony, you are not going to distract me. 

 what did you do to my apartment? ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ

 

                           **SUGAR TITS**

                                              Dude, I thought we were bros!

  

                           **MANCRUSH**

                                             First, let me say that Mrs. Van Buren is FINE.

WHAT DID YOU DO?? 

  

                           **SUGAR TITS**

 All the way. Team Science FTW.

                                               Then why did you show him how to capslock!?

                                               He doesn't need ur help to yell at me!

Bizarro I'm helping?

 

                            **MANCRUSH**

                                               I was just trying to widen your windows... Give you a little more light...

                                               I will admit things got a little out of hand.

                                               But I'm going to get Mr. Bojangles (or a reasonable facsimile) back!

                                               But it was a very, VERY, small portal. And I may have make it a little wider.

 

                           **MANCRUSH**

                                               ...which means there's a minuscule, microscopic, non-zero chance that it could...

                                               Break your apartment.

Fix this Tony. 

                                                 I promise, better than new! 

Not better! Just fixed. 

And no more 'improving' my things without my permission.

or supervision.

 

                           **SUGAR TITS**

ZOMG, WUT DID U DO?

SRSLY, he is like SUPER pissed.

A dimensional portal? O.O U no how Pepper feels about u n portals. She's going to KEEEEEL U!!!!1!!1!              

Dude, we're never going to find ur body.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray! Fixed!
> 
> (Also, officially passed 100k words posted to AO3. O.O how did this even happen.)
> 
> Damnit! Broken again. Sigh.
> 
> ETA. Fixed!


	6. Nobody here but us chickens.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire fill: XD This is what happens when two mother hens both decide the other is the chick! +1!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE NO SHAME.

"Barton!"  
  
"Um, sir?"  
  
"What are you hiding?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. It. You really don't want to know."  
  
It isn't so much a staring contest as a staring beat down. Which is so not fair. It's not like Clint's been able to deny the stupid man anything since he got back from Valhala.  
  
"Oh,  _fine_. Come on."  
  
Phil raises an eyebrow.  
  
"It's more of a seeing thing than an explaining thing."  
  
Clint clutches the grocery bag to his chest, continuing to hide its contents (and okay, he'll admit it, a smirk. He's pretty sure he gets away with at least one of them). Phil sighs as he follows him to Tony's lab.  
  
They barely get in the door when Tony yells out, "Finally! How hard is it to find cornmeal? Seriously B- Agent! It's-not-my-fault-I'm-fixing-it-it's-not-as-bad-as-it-looks!"   
  
'It' is two hens, chasing each other around, each treating the other as though it's her chick.  
  
"What-?" And is further explained by one of the hens suddenly doubling in size.   
  
And turning green.  
  
Tony squawks, "Hulk, No! Bad bird!!"  
  
He jumps back from desperately trying seperate the hens when both peck at him at the same time. "Fine, Steve, be that way. I'll leave the two of you to work it out" He  ~~stomps~~  manfully struts back to his workbench, grumbling about ungrateful fowl.   
  
"Mr. Stark. Did you turn a national icon into a farm animal?"  
  
"No!" Tony replies at the same time Clint, unholy glee wholely evident answers, "Yep!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did to!"  
  
"Did  _not_!"  
  
"Did  _to_!"  
  
"Did  _NOT_!"  
  
"Duck season!"  
  
"Bite me, bird brain. Unless you want to join our fearless and feathered leader?"  
  
"Hah! See, Boss? Shellhead here admits it!"  
  
"I admit nothing! But that doesn't mean I can't replicate- wait that's it!" Tony switches into full on mad scientist mode, gears and sparks flying along with phrases like, "Coefficient" and "lateral transition" and it's not exactly over Clint's head, but it's definitely over his boredom threshold.   
  
He looks over to the birds in time to see that Cap's got the Other Bird mostly settled down and is nuzzling large, ruffled, green feathers back into place.   
  
It works surprisingly quickly and Phil makes a note to see if stroking Hulk's hair brings Banner back faster than normal.   
  
The now scrawny Bruce has tucked her beak under her wing; even as a tiny bird, Bruce's post-Hulk snores are startlingly loud. Steve nudges one last feather in place and settles in next to Bruce with a satisfied, "Coo."  
  
Phil takes one last look around, and leaves without another peep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cap: 
> 
> https://m.flickr.com/#/photos/eclectic_house/6851399612/
> 
> Hulk:
> 
> http://www.yalerecord.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/WATSON.CHICKEN.HULK_.jpg


	7. It's on the tip of my tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the comments of chapter 6 I said:
> 
> "Is there a word for feeling proud of something that you should feel ashamed of?"
> 
> [ Pianogirl ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pianogirl) replied:
> 
> "I don't know of such a word, but you should invent one. It obviously has ample use possibilities in fandom..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DEAR GOD SOMEBODY STOP ME.

"Mrph. No. Not awesome enough it needs more...something.

"What about....

"Well, that's closer..."

"What is he doing now?" Peter asks Darcy, trying and failing to keep a two foot personal bubble between himself and the Avengers senior min-tern as she drapes herself over his shoulders, neatly distracting him from the words rapidly shifting across Tony's screen.

It had taken him a while to get the lay of the land, what with Tony's 'well meaning' flirtations ('Kid's got to learn sometime, and who better to teach a master class?') Darcy's complete lack of boundaries (and man, he wishes those two were reversed) and the complete seriousness in which Team Science argues over what exactly constitutes an 'accident' for 'days since' measurements (portals set to evil mirror universes, 'no' (because it performed as designed, it wasn't their fault the destination sucked worse than a toothless vampire (which was terrifyingly awful in a completely different way)), transmogrifying team members without their expressed (in triplicate) consent (regardless of how happy they seem in bird, cat, or robot form) 'yes').

Still, it's probably better than that internship at Oscorp would have been.

He'd read Pepper's hand out and had been totally prepared to follow the 'how to maintain a personal bubble when dealing with a handsy super-genius (he'd bought a brand new squirt bottle and everything), but Stark managed to show an amazing amount of restraint (for Tony Stark) and never came close to touching Peter inappropriately (to be fair, it was more JARVIS's floating neon 'Jailbait' sign than any real willpower on Tony's part, but Tony is the one who programmed the AI. He thinks.) but after the 3rd impromptu wet t-shirt contest (which Darcy naturally won, as she had the first two) he started leaving the water bottle at school (at least it worked on Flash). Now... if only Darcy didn't consider him a cross between a new toy and a baby brother...

"I don't think any of those are going to work," Darcy says, leaning on Peter as she looks over Tony's list, "Splurifc?"

"Yeah, I know. They're all terrible."

"Work for what?"

"He's trying to come up with a word for feeling proud of something that you should be ashamed of."

"Got it! It just needed more, well, me," he pulls the word from the screen he's been working on, floats it to the middle if the room and expands it, adding flourishes:

 

**~~~STARKTACULAR~~~**


End file.
